My therapist thinks I’m an idiot. I knew it the minute he gave me that look. Brad could make the “idiot look” like no one’s business. He used to send people to tears with a simple lift of his eyebrow and tilt of his head. I had to rope him in at times, to avoid offending people who really shouldn’t be offended. Doctors with needles or scalpels, police officers standing outside our car window, or any professional with scissors. It’s best to keep these people happy at all times.
The mind doctor gave me his version of the idiot look when I informed him I assumed the best of everyone when I first met them. He was incredulous. He actually rocked back in his chair in surprise. “Why would you ever do that?!”
At the time, I felt a bit attacked and judged, and then I questioned his ability to really help me. Seriously. If this guy judged my level of crazy the first time he met me, we had a major mound of work to get over to even start. And I’m a pretty well adjusted person….I think.
A series of unfortunate events have caused me to look again at what may be wrong with my way of living. Once again I have been show the back stage version of a great façade that has been elaborately created for my benefit. I say my benefit, but it is obviously not in any way a help to me but rather a help to others. I am merely an unsuspecting pawn in a grand deception; a ruse.
I am amazed at the ability some people have to avoid or create reality. Yes, there are times I may turn a blind eye to things that are unpleasant, but I don’t deny the existence of truth. I can’t look at a tree and tell you it isn’t there. I can’t go through my day saying I was at work when I was really sitting on a bench for six hours. Either I am not a good actor, or I am sane.
Lately I feel as though I have gotten off at the wrong stop on the subway. Mind you, I have never ridden a subway, but I have seen a lot of movies so I’m basically an expert. I can imagine getting off at the wrong stop and not having a clue where I was. Who are these people? What are the names of these streets? Where is the nearest Taco Bell? Why are these teenagers trying to kill me? Are those giant turtles wearing masks? My life has not gone the way I expected or planned. Its like a scene out of Twilight Zone at times.
Where are all the normal people? Where are the sane, the good, the sober, the reliable ones? I can literally feel my hair turning grey. If this is what spring break is like, I think I’ll skip it next year.
Cause I said so.