The Break up

I went to Idaho last weekend and saw something beautiful. It’s been a long time since I saw something so amazing and full of life and light. It inspired me. I thought about my own life and things that I wish looked that wonderful.

Questions filled my mind. Why didn’t I have that? Where have I gone wrong? Could I possibly make that happen for me? Did I have the energy to start over and do it right? These thoughts were nothing less than daunting.

It took me almost a week to get up the nerve. Things like this don’t just happen overnight. They take planning and commitment and being willing to get rid of the wrong things. It was hard.

Today was the day. It wasn’t easy and it was pretty messy. People got hurt. I had to dig deep to find the strength to cut things off. I had to turn a blind eye and forge forward, even when I saw signs of growth and life and the possibility of things working out.

As I dug deeper, I realized I was going to hurt more than one. Our choices sometimes have far-reaching effects. Sometimes it isn’t enough to just eliminate something, sometimes you have to change everything; even things that you thought were good.

Most people say they don’t like change. I used to be one of those people. Put me somewhere and I will start sinking roots. But as I have grown older and wiser, I’ve come to realize that no real learning or growth comes from not changing. In fact, it only with a change that things truly grow.

And thus it is. The beauty I once enjoyed and even relished in has been ripped out and thrown in the trash. With it, the guilt has also been removed. The guilt for not taking better care of things, not spending more time or effort, not being enough.

I’ve learned my lesson. Never again will I plant eggplant. It totally takes over the entire garden. Cause I said so.

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