I really liked the movie Country Strong. It had great music, great acting, and a great story. I have fallen in love with country music in the last few years and it was just a happy movie for me. The movie itself is rather sad, but….the music makes up for it. One of the first songs in the movie is called Timing is Everything.
It is so true. I used to believe that there was a Mr Right or a Mrs Right for every person. Brad and I talked about that many times. We were good together. We had our issues but we made it work. We had met and fallen in love when we were both ready to get married and it had just happened. He used to tell me that I was the kind of person that could put up with anyone after putting up with him. I think that is probably true. lol Not to toot my own horn there but I do believe that once a couple is married, they are committing to dealing with what ever their chosen package brings and just working through it all. I don’t believe in divorce unless it is absolutely necessary. That would really have to include some sort of abuse, physical or mental. But I degress. I am the sort of person that tends to put up with stuff. I put up with a lot of stuff over the last 22 years or so. Some of it was easier than others.
I look back at myself and see a different person, or two or three. Its funny because I was at a game night Friday night and a couple of people that I didn’t know, recognized me. No, not from my wildly famous blog, but from high school. I was a bit in shock. I don’t think even I would recognize myself from high school. It was a bit of a….downer honestly. It wasn’t one of those…”OMG! I totally remember you from high school! You were so fun!blah blah blah…” It was more of a “you are Beckie Laux right? Yeah, We went to high school with you. ” THE END. What the heck was that? What did they remember? How did they recognize me? Who the heck were these people? I was seriously bummed. I found myself almost slipping into the shy outcast person I really was in high school. Or, at least how I see myself in high school. I don’t have a lot of fond memories of high school. Long story not told today.
Where was I? Oh yea, the point I was heading towards was that I was a totally different person in high school. Then I became the single on my own person. Then I became the more wild single on my own person. Then I got married and became Brad’s wife. Then I became a mom x 6. Mixed in with those other things I became a stampin’ up demonstrator, a volunteer, and a lot of different things at church. I became more confident and morphed into the person I thought I was supposed to be. I baked bread, I sewed, I cleaned my house, I listened to my husband, I tried to guide my kids. I tried to plant gardens and flowers and do all the yard work and work around the house that Brad didn’t have time or energy to do. I found myself hiding in my closet at times, trying to find the person I used to be. I found myself reading up to four books at a time….trying to find my paradise that didn’t exist.
In the back of my head I knew I could be the best at what ever I set my mind to. I could be the number one seller at Stampin’ Up!. IF I wanted to. I could have a spotlessly clean house IF I wanted to. I could be the volunteer with the most hours at the elementary school IF I wanted to. It made me feel better to say it was all by choice that I fell short. I didn’t WANT to be any of those things. Not really. In reality, what I was is just a lot of stuff crammed together in an unorganized, quickly packed, overstuffed suitcase. I might have been holding it all together, but …. there was stuff hanging out of the sides and I was ready to bust open at any moment.
When Brad died, I took my suitcase and put it inside a larger one with wheels and rolled it all the way to Arizona. In the safety of that bigger bag, I took some stuff out and put different stuff in…..and nobody could tell. The outer suitcase looks good and doesn’t have anything hanging over the edges. I’ve kept myself distant from most people I come in contact with. In the past, whenever we moved, I made friends pretty fast. Whether it was at church or with my stamp business, I would get out there and start meeting people and trying to find someone to hang with. Alabama was the hardest, thank goodness for Diana. But here…I think I am afraid to BE anybody. I’m not sure who I am any more. Nobody here knew, knows, or ever will know me as Brad’s wife. My kids are older so I don’t set up play dates and make friend with the moms. Since I went to back to school right after moving here, I didn’t have time to volunteer at the schools so I’m not a volunteer. I have a calling at church in primary so…nobody really knows me. I haven’t done a lot of Business because I’m now a single mom and I don’t have any time.
When people meet me and ask me what I do….I don’t know what to say. If I’m by myself and it is just in passing, I will tell them I am a writer and pray they don’t ask if I am actually published. If it is someone I will definitely see again….I tell them I’m a mom. Enough said.
Maybe the reason I am afraid to move forward with my life is because I don’t know who I am anymore. That sounds so cliche and silly I want to delete it. But maybe it is true. What am I supposed to do? What do I want to do? I don’t really know.
What I do know is that if I don’t figure it out soon, I may miss out on something really great. I guess I need to go back into my closet and see if the answers have arrived yet. Until then, I am going to be enjoying a really amazing cold that I feel coming on right now. I think it noticed the gaping hole in my knee and decided to let itself right in. Who am I to turn someone away……could be just what I need to keep me in bed so my fricken knee can finally heal…..cause I said so.