puke on my shoe

I had a room mate in college. That sounds so very cool and upper class I think. Truth be told, I had a room mate during my wild, independent, carefree working days. I say carefree because I don’t remember how stressful it really was to come up with rent every month.

I worked with Tammy at the Broadway stationery store in Tempe. I actually love/hated the job. My boss was a crazy, loud, Jewish man that regularly flirted/threatened to fire me. After working with Tammy for a while, we decided to get an apartment together. I was ready to spread my wings, and she was ready to not be alone after the boyfriend she had moved from Casa Grande to Tempe with had decided to dump her. We didn’t know each other very well, but figured it would work out. We got along pretty well. She was a borderline OCD person….had to wrap presents so NO tape showed and EVERY line in the pattern lined up. And I was just trying to figure out life a bit.  I think we learned a lot from each other. I learned how to make my hair stand straight up in the front by curling, teasing, spraying and then standing against the wall. She may have learned how to make really good potato salad (which I have since forgotten).

She had lived the life of an educated partier during highschool. I had lived the life of a wanna be wild, yet good girl in highschool. She told me stories of getting drunk in the river bed and I told her stories of my dastardly deeds, or deed…..when I put laundry soap in the Center fountain, but forgot to actually open the box. Oh well…it was a try…..and it was a bit exciting, til the box simply sunk to the bottom.

We went through lots of dances, dates, stalkers, idiots, and midnight trips to Dairy Queen during our time together. We ended when I fell in love with Brad and moved in with my Aunt to save money and semi prep for married life. She had moved her boyfriend in with us and it was just time to part.

I have fond memories of Tammy. I think I still owe her money, but she hasn’t hunted me down yet. If she does, which I hope she someday does, I will not only pay her, but listen aptly to her life since we parted. I have to admit that there is one night in particular that I remember with her. We had gone to a party with a mutual friend Dwayne and she had gotten a bit ‘drunk off her butt.’ I wasn’t a drinker at that point and only came home with puke on my shoes (as did Dwayne). I remember her in the bathroom crying and puking and calling out for her first boyfriend. The one that had left her when they moved to Tempe. He had hurt her so much and yet she was still holding that flame for him. He was engaged to another person at this point I think and it was totally over. She had just put her whole heart into him and couldn’t let go.

I think of this sometimes when I am having relationship issues. Issues where I can’t commit or when I feel myself turning away when my significant other is needing me. Some people think it is because I am a cold-hearted bitch, but I really don’t think so. I truly love people and want to take care of them but I don’t know how. I remember when Brad died and how I felt so helpless….he would call for me and then send me away. I had to harden myself so much. Maybe that, and the embarrassed pain I felt for Tammy as she cried out for the one she wanted but could never have….maybe that has pushed me into this ‘bubble’ I am in. Maybe I am not so hard-hearted but rather I am afraid of getting hurt. Of getting left. Of baring my soul for fear it will be trampled on and left for a random dog to pee upon. If that is true….can I change? Should I change? Life is all about pain and suffering and trials and all that fun stuff, I know…I think that is half the definition of motherhood mixed with incomparable joy and pride….

I don’t know where my life is leading me. I don’t know what the Lord has in store for me. I am just trying my best to keep my head above water and be a good mom. I figure I will live my life like the three brothers in “serendipity of the spirit” and keep my beacon in the distance but my eyes wide open to the world around me. Serendipity is a wonderful thing….and hoping for that is sometimes easier than actually making a desicion on my own….cause I said so.

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