at least today it does. I can’t remember the last time I was in tears or this close to it all day long. Yes, I am in my period, but it is more than that. My whole family is depressed. Maybe it has something to do with the stupid cold-stuffy-head-scratchy-throat-naseau thing that has been hanging around for a couple weeks. Maybe it is the end of the year (school year) blues. maybe it is spring and the warming of the earth. I don’t know.

Like I said, I’ve been having a hard day. Tomorrow is my birthday, we don’t need to mention the number here, and I don’t like it. Brad was the one that wanted to get old. He was so excited for his 40th birthday because he felt like people would finally start taking him serious. I mean….he was a bishop and worked for NASA as a rocket scientist, but I guess people still didn’t take him serious. Whatever. I, on the other hand, would rather NOT get older. My butt gets bigger, the wrinkles on my eyes creep longer and deeper, and my kids hate me more and more every day.

Today I had the joyous opportunity to hear my sweet boy Ben tell me he thought it was better when DAD was here. I just seem to mess everything up. DAD always let us play games and watch shows YOU won’t let us watch. DAD was more fun. DAD was always here with us. DAD DAD DAD. Well, that just made my crappy mood even better.  But, sweet Ben didn’t stop there. He set out to trash Thorin as well. AS you may know, Thorin has been gone for almost three weeks. He is on an extended camping trip in Utah, trying to sort out his life. Ben and Thorin fight …. almost all the time. Ben told me today that he hated Thorin, that he hated him when he was here, but he hated him even more for being gone.

My heart just breaks for this little man that is so lacking in his life. I know he misses his dad. Heck, we all do. And I know he loves Thorin, even when they fight. It makes him so frustrated because he loves him but Thorin drives him crazy. I really hope this camp helps Thorin. Ben sent him a letter telling him how he feels about him and I was TOLD it really upset Thorin. I am waiting to actually SEE letters from Thorin. I’m not overly surprised he hasn’t written yet….that would take admitting he has been less than wonderful at home. A hard thing for a 15 year old to admit to. But I really hope he will.

So…today….life sucks. Thanks Brad, for leaving me not only alone to raise our brood, but also for sabotaging my efforts all along the way by not supporting the rules I thought WE had put into place in our home. It really doesn’t help me now when the kids remember the good ol ‘glory days’ with dad. I mean, I want them to have good memories and to miss him…..but it really sucks that it makes them hate me. It just sucks……cuz I said so.