I am beginning to realize things. Like, my age, my talents, my desires….and my limitations. I have always believed that I could do anything I put my mind to. While that may be true, I am starting to see the  passage of time as something less than friendly. Not to cause a panic, but I am actually in my forties. Just barely. I may go back to my thirties for social gatherings, but as far as my official life line and expiration date, I am in the dreaded forties. It wouldn’t be so bad if I wasn’t feeling like I was beginning at the beginning of a new life. Forty is fine if you are settled and have a plan and have been working towards something. I don’t feel like I really have been. I mean, I have a beautiful family full of amazingly wonderful children, but….where am I? I don’t really know. I am single, uneducated, unskilled, and un enthused about school.

That is what brought on this melancholy mood. School. I was having a ball! I jumped right into school after Brad died and it was great. I made friends, learned fun stuff, and kept myself busy. Its all fun and games til you look at the reasons why you are going to school. Words like degree, graduation, job and career come into play. What are you going to do with your degree? Easy answers like teach roll off my tongue. Of course, I’m a mom….I could be a teacher! Teachers don’t make any money. Oh well, I love kids and teaching, it will be worth it. But then, other thoughts seep into my mind… long is it going to take me to get my degree? At the rate I am going, with the #*(&$# math classes I have to take…..I’m looking at another 3-4 years I’m afraid. Remember how I mentioned my age earlier? well….think about it. Who is going to want to hire a teacher that is close to fifty? And more importantly….why would I want to start teaching school when my kids are all just leaving the nest? Brad’s plan was to have our kids while we were young so that when we were fifty they would be out on their own. We did pretty good…assuming Ben will ever leave….I like him so he can stay. But back to the point. Do I really REALLY want to start a teaching career so late in life?

My mom went back to school last semester and believe it or not, she is a bit older than me. Not much, I think she had me when she was ten, so we are like sisters. She set her sites on a shorter goal of getting a certificate in something she is amazing at. What am I amazing at? I’m really good at…..wait….it’s coming…..reading books. I can really read. And I do it fast. Is there a job where I can just read books? Editor comes to mind….but I’ve looked a bit and they want things like Phds in literature or english. Or, you have to be published.  Published…that is the whole writer thing again. Remember how I’m writing a book? Seems like every other person I meet is also writing a book. I don’t feel so special anymore saying it. Lately, with the stress of being mom and all that…I haven’t done much writing at all.

What I need is a gimic. You know. Something amazing and original to work for me. The snuggie idea is taken….Jen Lancaster cornered the market on witty books about nothing but griping and complaining. Wizard books and vampires and soooo overdone….and now I worry that books may be going out of style all together. Look at all these kindles and electronic books and books on tape. The amount of people that enjoy opening up a book and taking in the smells and feels of the actual book in their hands is dwindling. It is sad actually….I find no joy in reading something on a screen….well, except for the daily status of 500+ of my closest friends on Facebook….

So, the question comes down to this. What the heck should I do now. School has lost it’s appeal, it’s shiney new penny quality. I feel like I missed this boat. Frankly, I feel like I should have enough real world experience to be able to count that as my degree and move on to the next stage. I’m just not sure what that stage is. Help?

I’d love suggestions…..but don’t be surprised if I don’t take any of your advice. I don’t really like being told what to do….cause I’m the boss of me….cause I said so.

3 thoughts on “Realizations…….

  1. I think you had a bad experience with that stupid math class. Don’t let the rest of school crash and burn because of that. I do, however know the feeling. I had my own melt down today. We were not the only ones… Several people I spoke to were also having melt downs… Could it be something in the air? It could just be after spring break, and we are tired of school and all it’s regimentation… I know I am. Maybe it’s just Spring Fever!
    You not only don’t like being told what to do, you also don’t like to be nailed down to repetition… So maybe it’s time to do something else. While you certainly are beautiful, and you could be a model, that would be a total waste of time for you; you have a brain and higher morals and standards than something so superficial. If, however you decide to run away…take me with you…
    Why? Because I’m the mom…

  2. You are an amazing woman. It doesn’t take a degree to prove that…not that you shouldn’t pursue one if that is what your heart tells you to do. I know that you will be successful at whatever you decide to do, because I have seen you do it before!
    Take a deep breath, take a few minutes to wander around and appreciate all the wonders that God has created, go to the temple and think about the wonderful family and friends that love you. Give thanks for an awesome Lord and Savior. Then, when things are more in perspective, you can think about what to “do” next. It will all work out.

comments make my heart sing...don't leave me hanging!

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