I don’t like drama. It just sucks the life out of me. Yet, I can’t seem to escape it. Maybe if I lived on a mountain in Spain with a beautiful view of a vineyard and spent my days writing and painting and drinking in the beauties of the earth……nah, I have a feeling there would still be drama. “who is that crazy lady on the hill that never leaves her house” the villagers would say. “why does she stare out the window all the time….is she waiting for a long lost lover?” People just can’t leave people alone. Then again…if I was there all alone, living like a hermit….I would feel neglected and unloved and would most likely build my own drama. You see? It is just inescapable. Drama is life, life is drama……take your pick.
Maybe it is how we deal with drama that makes it seem so good or bad. I mean, the theatre has ‘drama’ i.e. people acting like others to entertain us in an expensive way….apparently we like that kind of drama. Even when it is sad or violent or exciting….it tends to make it’s way into our everyday conversations…’Did you see that movie!?” yeah, we like that kind of drama.
I guess the type of drama I don’t enjoy is when a person or people take a normal, everyday event and turn it into a big ordeal. A story is told, a thought is expressed, an idea is shared….suddenly the world is ending, everyone is a liar, and all my hair is falling out. Heaven help us all. What ever happened to listening calmly, digesting the information, running it through our brains. (this is called ‘thinking’), forming an opinion, and then responding. Or even, NOT responding. Just listening? I ask ‘what happened to that’ but….I may be in error in assuming that was ever the practice of humans. With all that is going on in the world today…all the wars, politics, art, technology, travel, world sharing….are we still so very starved for entertainment that we need to expand every little bubble of new, different, undesirable, scary, information into a dad-gum GOOD YEAR BLIMP?? Seriously.
I’ve had surgery. I am tired. I am drugged….I am worn out physically to the point that going to the bathroom makes me want to take a nap. But this drama? It is worse. It makes me want to close my eyes and not open them again for a week, year,…even decade. I am so tired of it. The sad thing is, there is no escape that I have found. If I didn’t care deeply for most all people, it would be different, but I really do care about people. I love people. I want to help everyone I meet and make their lives better in any way I can. I would give away all that I have to help others if I didn’t have children that need to be cared for. I would travel to impoverished places and teach people to fish (hey, I can fish AND gut a fish!)….I would work with handicapped people, homeless people, anyone! I truly love people! But it seems that they insist upon breaking my heart. I remember very clearly a day back when I was a teenager. There was a boy that…I didn’t particularly like. He was a bit of a jerk, a bit of an outcast, …..you get the idea. But, I stood up for him. I don’t remember why or what or how, but I do remember ‘taking his back’ when he was attacked. Just because he was a person and I cared. He turned on me like a barracuda. Told me off, crushed me, rejected me in every way. It hurt. It tempted me to become hard-hearted and to take care of ME. To not want to help others. But, I just couldn’t do it. It is not my nature. I live for the underdog. I seek out those that need a friend and try to be one for them. The ‘burning’ that I experienced with that teen boy was not the last time I was less than appreciated. Not by a long shot. It has happened many many times. Sometimes I wish I could shout and make them understand that I am ON THEIR SIDE! I’ve GOT THEIR BACK! But, it doesn’t make any difference. I really don’t think it does. Some people cry out for help because, they want to cry out. Not because they want help. A song I like says something about not knowing how to win because all they are so used to losing. It breaks my heart. I want to be a ‘fixer.’ I want to help. I want to make a difference. Maybe I have, in some way, to someone out there……maybe I have. Maybe, just for a moment, they gave up their plight to find and expand drama in their lives and they let me help them. I don’t know. I’ll never know.
This probably sounds like I feel superior in some way. I don’t mean that at all. I am not better than anyone else. All I’m saying is that I really do look for the best in people. I love people. I try to listen. To listen and listen and think and think and process and then maybe say something helpful…..if I can. I try really hard not to just ‘react’ to people and the things they say or do. I say ‘try’ because, I am FAR from perfect. But I hope I succeed more times than not.
My heart is breaking for a dear dear friend that let a little thing become a major drama that will most likely end our friendship. It is so sad. It is not a choice I would have made. I love this person dearly. But they are a reactor, not an ‘act-er.’ They don’t think, they just hear it and run with it. It is a sad way to live and it has caused them to have a really hard life. Maybe I am wrong. maybe I am misjudging this person. I truly hope I am. I truly do. I would love to say I was wrong.
I just needed to write this down and use it to think through the turmoil that is going through my mind right now. well, turmoil mixed with a bit of prescribed narcotics, naseau, thirst, and …..hunger! I haven’t eaten in hours.
I don’t know if anyone reads this….it doesn’t really matter. I just needed to say it. For what it is worth…..I really do love people and hope and pray with every fiber of my being that I am a good person and one that would take the time to think and listen and accept people for who and what they are. I’m not perfect, but….I’m trying and that’s all I can do……cause I said so.