It’s 3:40 am and I am awake. What the heck, you may say, and I would just hang my head. It’s a long story. One with choices and obligations and answered prayers and shortcomings.  The end result is….I am awake at 3:40 and I can’t seem to get to sleep. It’s summer so, no worries, right? Wrong. This week I have a full calendar, starting in….4 hours or so. Not a good time to not be sleeping.

I decided to use my time wisely. Since Brad died, I have had a hard time remembering the good times we had together. I tend to remember hard times and shortcomings. Maybe it is a survival instinct. If I remember all the good stuff, I will be sad and missing Brad all the time. If I remember the hard or ‘bad’ times, it will be easier to keep moving forward. I don’t know. I have had more than one person tell me that they think I didn’t have a happy marriage. I don’t like thinking that. It upsets me. Brad used to ask me a lot why I wasn’t happy. How he could make me happy. It used to make me mad. I was happy, everything was find. Why was he trying to upset me?  Anyway, I decided that if I went back and read my journal from when I was married it might help me see clearly. What I found was pretty interesting. I actually had a really good time reading my own writing! Is that weird?

I found quite a bit of entries on the topic of me wanting to be a writer. I thought that was so interesting! I don’t remember that at all! I do remember writing a ‘users manual’ for my first baby when I was pregnant…..it’s pretty good too! I think I will print it out and give it to Maegan. Kind of cool.

I also found a lot of poetry that I had written and also that I had saved from other authors. This is one that has actually been on my mind a bit lately. The author is unknown…..

Comes the Dawn

After a while you learn the subtle difference

between holding a hand and chaining a soul

and you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning

and company doesn’t mean security,

and you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts

and presents aren’t promises,

and you begin to accept your defeats

with your head up and your eyes open

with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,

and you learn to build all your roads on today

because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans

and futures have a way of falling down in midflight

after a while you learn

that even sunshine burns if you get too much.

So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,

instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

and you learn that you really can endure…

that you really are strong.

and you really do have worth.

and you learn and learn…

with every goodbye you learn.

this poem meant something to me….20 years ago, and it still holds meaning today. There are truths in there that will never go away. I love the enduring quality of good poetry. I love the light and knowledge that is shared through art and beauty and in the simplest ways at times.

Reading my old journal takes me back to another lifetime. A time that I had forgotten. I was a different person back then. Feeling like an adult but still so full of promise for the future. My dreams had come true….but were just beginning. Life is a funny thing…..you make your plans, roll your dice….make your move…and hope for the best. You can play it like a strategy game or just a game of chance….either way, it is worth playing…cause I said so.