It is only 8:18 am and I already feel like I’ve been whipped and beaten with chains. Great start to a day, don’t you think? It could have something to do with the fact that I was up way to late, watching a movie I didn’t like, in a dusty drive in full of people smoking and being extremely “cool” by talking louder than the movie. That might have something to do with it….Or maybe, it is because even tho I didn’t get to bed til 2am, I still had to get up at 6am to get my girls ready for camp. No, that’s my usual schedule. I know, maybe it is because my dear first born was not home when I got up at 6 and I had to track her down and drive a half mile shy of the end of the world to pick her up at a “friends” house and then speed like a demon to get her back and ready for camp by 7. Yeah, guess what…..we were late.

It amazes me how selfish some people can be. I don’t understand how introverted and completely oblivious of the rest of the world my first born has become. Heck, my first three-born have become. It has something to do with puberty because when they hit that magical age, they become aliens and should be referred to as spawn. Don’t get me wrong, I love them more than life itself….but they make me crazy! I know, what’s new with that? It’s almost like….if your teens DON’T drive you crazy they aren’t doing their job and there is something wrong with them. Right? I wouldn’t mind that ailment.

I had a plan. A deal. I was great with the little kids. Sat on the floor and played with them, read them books, taught them to bang pans with wooden spoons….didn’t sleep for 10 years……It was all good. My husband was not so good with them. He told me….’raise them til their teens and I’ll take over.’ Yeah…some plan, he died right when things were starting to go south. Do I sound angry? I guess I am today. No, not angry….frustrated. I’m just so disappointed that things aren’t going how I invisioned them. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised….I have a theory on life. Before we start out, we make a list of all the things we want to do and all the things we really don’t want to do. I’m pretty sure the Lord looks at the lists and says…okay then…let’s start on this ‘don’t list’ and he starts having us do all the things we didn’t want to do. I didn’t want to have a c-section, didn’t want to ever use formula, didn’t want to have my kids be rude hateful things, didn’t want to be a widow, …….the list goes on.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger…..I hate that. Makes me want to spit fire…(that’s not a movie title.)

Can I just have….oh I don’t know…..three months of kids being helpful, kind to each other, responsible, obedient……would that be too much to ask? Probably one of those things….at the end of three months I would beg for more. Like a lays potato chip. Never enough of a good thing. But still…I’d like to try…….please? Can’t we do that? Just ….cause I said so?