where in the world am I ? I feel like I am having an out of body experience. Or at least an ‘out of life’ experience. This is not where I expected to be at this point in my life. I had a great marriage, great kids, happiness…all that wrought….or so I thought.

It is funny in a way, they say hind sight is 20/20 but sometimes I wonder. I look back and see good things now and then with the kids, but only bad things with my late husband. Is that because it is a coping mechanism? I don’t know. It doesn’t help when old friends say I always looked worried, stressed, or tired…..what the heck is that? Yes, I admit it. I had a husband that drove me crazy a lot of the time. He had issues….call them depression, anxiety, bi polar, whatever. No title ever ‘fit’ to him. all I knew was that every now and then, he became someone else. Someone that was needy, lazy, uncooperative, angry, and just plain a pain in the butt. But, I loved him. I knew before I married him that he had issues. Heck, his mom called me at work and told me not to marry him while we were dating. Told me he was a pain and would cause me trouble. If only I had listened….not really. I love him. Dearly. I miss him every day. I try to fight it, I try to hide it, I try to fill my mind heart and actions with other men. That sounds bad…..I’m not a whore, I just try to find other men to talk to. Brad talked a lot. Too much at times. It drove me crazy and him mad when I would doze off during an oration. There wasn’t much for me to say….he knew everything. He wanted me to talk more, but when I did…he corrected me or took over. It didn’t matter. I gave up and let him talk. sounds worse than it really was. Know that.

I can’t help the fact that I want to fill that hole he left. Is that bad that I want it filled sooner than later? Is it bad that I want a younger guy that is healthy and happy and fun and wants to go and DO stuff? Is it selfish that I want him to be super cute? probably. I probably should be focusing on my kids and helping them deal with the tragic I can only imagine, of losing their dad. Holy cow! I could not imagine losing MY dad, and I’m full grown!  I just don’t know what to do for them. They are difficult anyway. The older ones have their dad’s weirdness. I didn’t deal well with it with him and I do even worse with them. I am just a failure at this mom thing. I don’t know why I was picked to stay and try to keep it together. At least….he could understand what they are going through. I am lost. So lost.

I find guys that are fun, or cute, or understanding, or appealing, but nobody is Brad and nobody wants me like I want to be wanted. I am impatient. I know that. Brad was great about some things. He brought me flowers way too much. He brought me jewelry. He took me on dates every week. He called me sweetie whenever he called me. He hugged me every day after work.  He was amazing in bed. Yes, I wrote that. It is true.  He was completely honest and faithful to me. I never doubted that in him.

But, I wasn’t totally happy. I know that. He knew then. I think he thought I would be better off without him. He said so many times. Said I would find someone so much better. whatever.

finding good guys when you are 40 and have 6 kids and want someone that will be worthy and a good dad….where the heck do you find that? Singles dances are a cruel and unusual form of torture. The older single dances are great…..I dance all night, but I’m dancing with guys my dad’s age. Not so appealing.  I met an adorable guy at a dance that is 12 years younger than me. I like him a lot. he is fun, he is cute, he is smart, he is trying to hard to be worthy to keep him temple recommend, he is great. I am just not the one for him…I’ve already been sealed to Brad. He needs a fresh one.  The temple is a blessing. I am grateful for my sealing, but what do I do now? He left me too soon. It is one thing to grow old together and then have a few years alone, but….I have a lifetime ahead of me. alone. It is too hard. I don’t want to be alone. I want to have someone there for me. I want hugs and kisses and make out sessions. But now, if I do it….i will mess everything up for everyone.

and then there are the kids. Holy cow….I was talking to a friend and she was telling me how grateful she was for her kids. Sure, they weren’t perfect, but at least they didn’t get in trouble with the law, do drugs, skip school, …etc…..basically, she described my kids. Talk about a slap in the face. Now, she did not and does not know that, so I don’t blame her, but….that is my life. I have three that are wonderful. Three that are going to kill me. I don’t know how I am going to survive them and I don’t know how I will ever find anyone that will be able to help me with them. That is such a HUGE thing to ask. One guy, I really liked, was totally scared off by my kids issues. Not man enough to be my man apparently. oh well.

I’m tired of having a broken heart. I want someone to come fix it, but I know it can only be fixed by me. damn.

I just suck at this life thing. It hurts too much.I’m just so tired of being the one. I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m supposed to be so strong and cabable….whatever.

Maybe I should change the name of this blog to cause I’m so pathetic.  That would be more fitting.

I only write because they say it helps. Yeah, helps me cry like a little baby. great fun that is.

What I want to write is a great story. one full of hope and light and dreams coming true. Things going right. A story that will make people believe they can make it through their lives and make a difference and be happy. One that will make me think those things too. They say artists, like poets and writers and such need to have drama in their life to pull from for their creative efforts. Okay, I’m ready. Let’s go! i’ve got the drama! lol

well, anyway….hopefully no one ever finds this pathetic thing and reads it. Or if they do, they are my knight in shining armor and they will come in and be the conquistador of chaos I need and save me from myself. I can’t hold my breath long enough to even finish that sentence so….no hope there.

If my sisters do find this and read it, know that I am having a crappy day and that tomorrow the little birdies will come back out with the rainbow and sunshine and I will be all find again. blah blah blah. nothing to see here folks.

time to feed the kids….apparently I have to do that every day. sheesh…..