Shadows

Hand to hand holding connect relationship

It’s been an interesting spring-summer-break. I’m not always sure what day it is or what I’m supposed to be doing. Normally, towards the middle of July, I am prepping to go back to school and excited to meet my new students. The summer is usually ending too fast and we are cramming in lots of family time.

This year, we have been enjoying family time for about four months. I have really loved it, for the most part. It was easy for me to stay at home. I had just been lamenting a few weeks before Spring break that I wished I could be home with baby G more. She is my only child being raised while I am a working mom. It is a whole different ballgame. I can see lots of things she missed out on not being home with mom those first years. My wish was granted and we have spent almost every waking hour together for months now.

I’ve taken this time to reconnect to a few parts of my life that had been pushed to the side. I’ve gotten back into crafting and stamping and even holding classes recently. That is a real happy place for me. I’ve also spent more time working on my house, my garden, and my spiritual wellbeing. It’s been good. I admit I still haven’t cleaned those blinds in my bathroom though….who really cares?

This last weekend, I decided (against my will) to spend the entire weekend in serious pain. I mean, I hadn’t been sick in years so, why not? I had a headache that would have killed a lesser man/woman…possibly…..let’s just say it hurt like double hockey sticks, slammed into my forehead. I was miserable.

I managed to survive Saturday by playing dollhouse, ‘cat’, and basically laying around with my eyes closed a lot. Sunday was another story. It hurt so bad it made me cry. I don’t really cry much so, that is really saying something. I asked Ethan if he would give me a blessing.

When our ministering brother came over, he helped Ethan with the blessing. More than just assisting in the process, he took the time to teach Ethan and help him know what exactly to do. Even now, I tear up thinking about it. I saw my dear son, learning things he should have been taught by his father. My heart aches for all the things my boys, and girls, have missed and will continue to miss out on because their dad isn’t here. Most days, we just do our thing. But there are those times when Brad’s absence is really felt in a big way.

As I sat, watching this sweet brother take on that fatherly teaching roll, I felt my Brad near. I knew he was proud of my boys. I knew he wished he could be there in person, but he was there in spirit, overseeing the teaching of his son. It was a sweet moment that made me weep.

I told Ethan what I had felt and how much I knew Brad was so very proud of him. Ethan, of all my boys, resembles Brad so very much. He is my rock. He has always been the one I could count on through everything.

Ethan is getting ready to go on his mission soon. We aren’t sure what that is going to look like with the world being so strange right now. Part of me panics inside thinking about him leaving in general and especially in the midst of all this chaos.  But then I think of other mothers. I think of the mother of Moses. We don’t know much about her, but what amazing faith she had to put her son afloat in a basket, trusting the Lord would take care of him. The mothers of the sons of Mosiah, letting her boys go out and teach people who wanted to kill them. The faith of that mother was huge. The mother of our dear Savior. She knew what was coming and still did what she needed to do. It is staggering and humbling.

Being a mother can be hard in a lot of ways. Children break our hearts, they shape us and teach us. Being a mother is the best thing I’ve ever done. It’s been hard doing it on my own the last few years, but when I have a day like yesterday when I know there is someone else in the game, someone else who cares and watches and works and prays for these kids, it seems a little easier.

My headache started to go away in the middle of my blessing. By the time we ate dinner, it was a dull ache. I was able to stay up way too late and play games with my boys. I woke up feeling fine. I know I was blessed. I think maybe, my headache was just what we needed to get a little lesson for Ethan. The Lord works in mysterious ways. I’ll take a headache now and then for the team.

Cause I said so.

 

Photo credit: http://www.thechristianindex.com

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