Boat by a Finnish lake

To quote one of my least favorite villains, “Life’s not fair.” I never loved the Lion King, but I do like that one line. It’s true.

When I was pregnant with my first born, I was working or a small plastic company in Texas. I spent many  hours at my desk twiddling my thumbs because the owner’s daughter was afraid to actually give me any responsibilities. Her loss. I spent hours reading and writing. I wrote a short novel for that first born on this very topic of life not being fair. I have it somewhere…I think I even gave it to her at one point. The message in the novel was that no matter what we do, how awesome we are, and who we know…life isn’t always rosy. Sometimes it just sucks.

I visited a toxic friend today. I know, why do I do it? Why do we keep going around people that hurt us, make us feel bad about ourselves, or drag us down. Why do we love people that drive us crazy? Why do we listen to people that make our ears hurt? I don’t know. Sometimes I think it is penance for all the things I’ve done wrong in my life. Maybe, if I listen and suffer, the things I’ve done wrong will fade and I will somehow be made better. Maybe I like to suffer. Maybe, I think I can help. It’s probably the last one. I’m a worker, a helper, a fixer. I try to fix things and people and make them better. The problem with that is I end up breaking myself. Not the smartest move.

I’ve spent a lot of time lately doing a self inventory of sorts. Where am I? Where am I going? What do I need to do to get where I want to be, be who I want to be? It’s tough. There seem to be a lot of brick walls in my way, mostly built by me. Self-sabotage is a real thing. How do you fix that?

I was driving home today, thinking about these things and wondering what I should do next, when I got a call from a “friend” selling me something. At least, that is how it sounded. You know what I’m talking about. A ‘friend’ you haven’t never spent ‘time’ with calls you out of the blue and says they’ve been thinking of you and they want to ‘share’ something. A little light goes on in your head with “MMM! MMM! Abort! Zone out! Hang up! $$$$!” But, you guessed it, I listened. It was tainted listening, I just admit, I didn’t really understand what she was going on about. I kept thinking how great of a salesperson she was as she took every response I had and turned it into a selling point. She was good. I agreed to think about it and talk to her again in January when my life calmed down (HA!).

After I hung up, I continued my chat with Ben as we listened to his music. I noticed a rainbow off to the right of where we were going. I love rainbows. We appreciated it and went on. After a while, another rainbow appeared. Ben says it was the same one and that we just turned, but to me it was another rainbow. Another turn, another rainbow. There were rainbows popping up all over the place.

As I looked at one particularly bright rainbow, I felt the words “I promised” come into my mind. I thought about all the things in my life that have not gone exactly how I wanted. I thought about the temple covenants I’ve made and the promises I have in store. I thought about the feelings of failure, inadequacy, and sorrow I had been feeling today. Being criticized and hurt by a friend can do that to you. And then I thought about the phone call I had just endured.

A man is in a flood, his house washing away. He climbs on the roof to wait for help. A row board comes by, “No thanks, the Lord will save me. “A motorboat comes by, “no thanks, the Lord will save me.” A helicopter comes by, “No thanks, the Lord will save me.” The man dies and complains to the Lord for not saving him. “But, I came three times…..”

Maybe this phone call is just what I needed. The Lord works in mysterious ways. Who am I to turn away a rowboat? I guess I’ll call her back. What’s the worst that can happen? I may end up with 30 bottles of hand cream, but, I do have dry skin….

cause I said so.

Photo credit: http://www.rowboatsforsale.com.au