Standing Bull


I don’t like to shop at WalMart. There is something about that store that just makes me sad. It could be the cheap products, or the crowded isles, or the shade of blue on the workers vests. Take your pick. Like it or not, I find myself trotting through the jumbled corridors more often that I would like to admit. There aren’t many stores open at 10:30 pm that sell copy paper and craft supplies. Seriously. Any logical craft store would be open from 7pm to 6 am. Those are the hours moms finally get their kids in bed and they want to go out and peruse the heavenly racks of crafting goodness…without the help of little hands. Think of all the pointless items we could avoid buying if we didn’t have children in tow when going craft shopping. My son in particular manages to find the most expensive “experiments” to do during the summer that end up sitting, drying out, cumbly, or eaten by the dog a week later. $29.99….and that’s not all!

Regardless of my less than fond feelings towards “Wal-scat” as my neighbor calls it, I have found it to be enlightening at times.  Just this last weekend I came across a conduit of light in the form of a little grey haired lady. She was working hard ringing up my essential items. I noticed a medical symbol on the necklace she was wearing so I asked her about it. “It’s so people will know what to do if I fall on the floor. My five year old grand daughter is already trained. I think she will do alright.” She did not elaborate on her condition, leaving it with the cryptic warning that she may fall down on the floor at any minute. I wondered if they had cushions behind her, just in case?

The brilliance of the necklace suddenly dawned upon my feeble mind. (I was starving and doing all I could not to tear into my rotisserie chicken in the line.) What if we all wore ‘medical necklaces’ that told everyone what our ‘illness’ was? You might be think, “But I don’t have an illness.” Let me clarify. I’m talking about mental illness. Wouldn’t it be nice to have a little notice when you saw someone that “hey, this symbol means I fly into a frantic rage whenever I don’t get my way.” Or,”I’m bipolar and won’t make sense tomorrow…or today”. What about, “my OCD will compel me to follow you around til I get that lint off your shoulder.”

Think of the conflicts these little gems would help us avoid. You are walking down a the street and you see a man with a symbol that says, “I’m cronically gassy.” You have time to cross the street. Or you see a woman on a bus with a symbol that says, “I can’t help but tell strangers my most disturbing life stories.” You pick a different seat.

The place where these would be the biggest hit would be in the singles’ world. You go to a dance and easily avoid the symbols that say, “addicted to porn, cheated on my spouse, eats crackers in bed, will never help with dishes.”

I think I’ve stumbled upon my retirement plan here. Nobody copy me, read my symbol, “I wanna be in charge of stuff but I’m overbooked and lazy when it comes to making big decisions.” You better watch out…

cause I said so.

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