Mother’s Day is all about the dads. I know that sounds weird, but if it weren’t for the dad there probably wouldn’t be any celebrations. I say this to make myself feel better. My kids don’t have a dad…and mother’s day didn’t happen at my house. Who was there to remind them that they like me? No one. Especially now that the oldest has moved out. She is also a mother, so…she would have remembered.
After having just the smallest of pity parties for myself, I realized maybe the reason my kids didn’t do any thing for me is because I suck as a mom. I did a little mental inventorying and realized I have fallen to the lower levels of momhood. I work every day, I am going to school, I don’t cook much, and I’m tired….so tired. By the time I have five minutes to relax, I’m asleep. Maybe my kids felt like there was nothing to celebrate. I’d have to agree with them.
My mind went back to my previous life when I was a stay at home mom. I spent my days cooking, cleaning, scrapbooking, running errands, and meeting both kids and hubby at the door when they arrived home. After school snacks, home cooked meals, freshly baked bread….yeah, that was me. I wasn’t a perfect mom, but I was present. Lately, I feel like I don’t even recognize myself as I come and go.
Years ago, I was introduced to the 5 love languages, as were many of you. I gave the test to myself, my husband, and my kids. Even though they were little, it was fun to see what they came up with. I got to thinking today that it would be a fun idea to take the tests again. I know I have changed a lot and I bet my kids have too. It may not be the most spiritual family home evening, but that is my plan.
Speaking of FHE, I had a nice chat with my bishop today. He is the third bishop I’ve had since I became widowed. The other two were good, but this guy has a way of making me cry whenever I talk to him. I think it is because he cries too. I can tell he truly cares and he has true empathy for me and my life trials. After we both teared up a bit, he told me in his fire and brimstone voice, “You are a good mom!” He is quite convincing. He also gave our lesson in Relief Society. One thing that stuck out to me was him saying we were all good moms. He said that when we stress and worry and cry over our kids, that is being a good mom. The bad moms are the ones that don’t care. They don’t worry and they don’t try.
That’s what I needed to hear today. I’ve been feeling a bit of stress. My kids are amazing. Strong. Capable. And scary as hell with some of their choices. I worry I didn’t teach them enough. I worry I screwed them up. I worry they will disappear and fall into diverse traps. Now, thanks to my bishop, I feel like I’m not a complete failure.
It also doesn’t hurt that I got to Skype with my missionary son today. He kept telling me how much he loves me and our family. He told me I was the reason he went on a mission. He blamed it all on me. He is loving it. I wish I could take the credit, but I know it was his choice and that he has always been an amazing person. But it sure feels nice to hear that. Especially on Mother’s Day.
Cause I said so.
Photo credit: http://www.intouch-marketing.com
One thought on “Mothers may”
Oh Beckie, you are a great mom! I remember the ‘old mom’ when you got to do all those fun things, scrapbooking weekly at your house was something I loved that helped me be a better person. I know you have not been dealt the hand you would have ever imagined, but from what I can tell as an outsider, I think you have done an amazing job! I am awed by your strength and perseverance! I have tried to imagine what I would have done in your position (my husband was diagnosed that same year with Diabetes), and I think I would have literally curled up in a ball in the corner and been useless! You have pushed forward, put yourself through school, and continued on each and every day, as hard as it must be! You inspire me! So Happy Mother’s Day from across the miles (and a day late!!!). You are an awesome mom! Because you care and you keep on trying!!!!! Love you friend!