What did we do before Pinterest? I really don’t think my life had meaning before this amazing little site came along and organized everything in the world for me. No matter what I’m looking for, I can find it on Pinterest. It’s like the new Google, without Justin Bieber.

I was looking for a quote the other day to send to someone and I ended up reading a lot of really inspirational, gooshy, completely depressing quotes about friendship. Why, do you ask, would friendship quotes be depressing? Well, mostly because I don’t have friends. I mean, yes, if you look at my Facebook page(s) you will see that I have many many people listed under the ‘friends’ tab, but….they are not the kind of person I can call to eat chocolate in the middle of the night, bemoan about my love(lack of) life, or to move a dead body. How did this happen?

I have pondered about this for quite some time. I look at others people and their best friends from high school or elementary school or childhood neighbor, and I think….where was I? It’s true, my family moved around a bit as a kid, but we didn’t move far once I got into high school. After I got married, we continued the tradition of moving around until I moved home five years ago.

Somewhere along the line, you’d think I would have made a lasting friend I could call and talk to in the middle of the night when I’m afraid I’m being stalked or gaining weight. But alas, I have not.

I have decided it is because of two possible reasons. Number one, I was married to my best friend for 19+ years. Maybe I felt like I just didn’t need anyone else? Number two, I’m too chicken to share my life with anyone. By chicken, I mean, I’m too afraid to show any weakness to anyone in fear they will use it against me, call me stupid, or somehow destroy me with their subtle, subconscious death ray. Issues? Yeah, I got those…..

Now that I am single, the fact that I have no best friend is really getting to me. I’ve decided to hold auditions/interviews. I will put a list of ‘requirements’ on here and if you are interested in applying for the job, just contact me. May the odds be ever in your favor.

Requirments:

Must not be easily offended, must laugh at my jokes, must not judge me by my messy house/hair/face/waistline/etc., must be able to support me even when I do stupid things, must also do stupid things, must honestly desire to be my friend and not just be using me for research for their psychology paper, must live close enough to go for walks when I want to jump off a cliff, must have a sexy male friend they can introduce me to (okay, that one is optional), …..must be able to tell me what a best friend does cuz I really don’t have a clue. Maybe this is a mythical creature like the hydra….? Maybe I’m safer on my own? Maybe I’ll go back to watching Netflix…..where my real friends are….cause I said so.