I’m exhausted. Not just physically, but mentally. It seems the last two weeks have given me a general pounding. I’d like to curl up in my bed and sleep for a week or so, but that is never an option for me. Unless I have a major illness….and that just doesn’t sound fun. I’ll skip it.
Instead of the bed crawl idea, I just wanted to write a bit about my dear friend that died. I know, sad stuff. But I’m not looking to make you sad. This friend was someone I really admired. He was always smiling, helping, interested in everyone, and treated everyone like they were his best friend. How do you do that? At his funeral, every person that spoke about him admitted he was their best friend. The people working in the kitchen with me confided that he was really their best friend. Did he have us all fooled? Or was his heart really that big.
I’m voting for the latter. It’s hard to believe he is gone. A part of me still thinks I can call him to help me with whatever I’m doing. He was always there for everyone. I seriously wonder if he had a flock of clones in his closet. One person couldn’t have done so much for so many. Or could they?
Could I be that kind of person? I look at my life and it is a blur. I am running all day, every day. I blow kisses to my children in passing and talk to no one. There is so much to do…but what am I doing? Am I helping anyone? Am I making a difference? Would any one stand at my funeral next week and call me their best friend? I doubt it. They would probably say I was busy. That I had a lot on my plate. Maybe even that I ‘did a lot.’ But I want more. I want to be like my friend. I want people to feel a void when I’m gone because I did so much to help so many. I want people to be able to call me in the middle of the night and ask if I have a good smelling candle because their kitchen stinks. I want to matter.
I know I matter to my kids. They would starve without me. And never wear clean clothes. Okay, maybe the oldest would survive…and keep the rest alive.
I’m exhausted. Not because I have done much, but because the thought of being better, doing more, going beyond my norm is daunting. I’m not the best I can be, but I’m better than I was yesterday. Life isn’t about sitting still. I learned that from my friend. He never sat still. He was always busy doing something, helping someone, listening, learning….sigh. I miss you my friend. Thank you for the example you set and the legacy you left.
I have a lot to do. I’m going to bed…cause I said so.
Photo credit: http://andstillipersist.com/2009/04/monday-yawns/