It is interesting to me the way I learn or receive answers sometimes. I try to be open to the ‘universe’ for guidance,but I think that I am like most in that I see things through my own shaded glasses. I used to wear rose colored glasses. I looked for and found the good in everything. I was so good at it that I rarely saw the bad, even when it was apparently very obvious to others around me. Some would say I lived in a bubble.
I liked my bubble. It felt safe and cozy. The thing about bubble is, they always pop. I remember blowing millions of bubbles with my kids when they were very small, and the funnest part was trying to pop the bubbles before they touched the ground. It isn’t so much fun to pop the real bubbles we build in life.
I’m not saying my life was all rainbows and butterflies, no….there were some trials and hard times and all that, but it was mostly contained inside my floating bubble.
My bubble started to weaken a few years ago when Brad died. That wasn’t supposed to happen. That wasn’t in the script of my little bubble world. I was shaken, but I rolled with it. Other things started to happen, and things that had been happening suddenly came into focus for me. My life started morphing into something that would not fit inside my bubble. I tried adding side bubbles, or blowing harder to keep the walls in tact, but it has failed. As I said before, bubbles always pop. I wish my bubble had popped and I had realized I was in a bigger, better bubble….but I’m not sure about that. I feel more like I am falling through the sky, devoid of my cushy bubble, waiting to hit the ground. It can be a very uncomfortable feeling for a ‘control-freak in denial’ like myself.
As I fall, spiraling faster towards the ground, I can see softer places to land, but they are hard to get to. In fact, some of them seem downright impossible. Is it worth the effort to push myself? Where do I really want to land? I can see other bubbles floating by that I could ‘jump’ into, but now that I have felt the wind of the real world, would I ever be happy in a bubble again?
The stories today in Kindergarten were the Ugly Duckling and the Gingerbread man. Two of my favorite tales. The Ugly Duckling is a reminder of my former ‘bubble’ life, where I looked for and found the good. I would have never teased the ugly duckling, I would have been his one friend. This story is sending a strong message to me today, because of some issues I am dealing with in my life. Issues that make me wonder who I am and who I have become. I miss my bubble, but now I’ve seen the world. The Gingerbread man also speaks to me. So many time lately, all I want to do is ‘run, run, as fast as I can…..’ But is that the answer? I really don’t know what I should do, and that is why I feel like I am not who I once was. I’ve always been one that could make decisions and stick to them. I was confident and in charge. I miss my bubble. I could control it.
I guess what I really need to do is get that Mother Goose book back out and read a few more stories. Maybe I will find the answer if I read enough. Then again, I may feel the need to plant some funky seeds, build a house of straw and wander around town playing a flute to attrack mice. You never know….cause I said so.
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