Its amazing how disappointment brings out the real us. It is somewhat easy to go through life being what people expect us to be or what we want people to think. Most of us wear a mask at some point or another.

Maybe it is when we are at church. We are admonished to be humble and teachable but I think most of us (me included) worry more about what shoes to wear with our dress/skirt each week than being in tune to the spirit. I will go an entire week without ‘fixing’ my hair, but Sunday I pull out all the tools and try to look presentable.

Truth be told it might be hard to hear anything at church if nobody showered or fixed their hair. I know I personally would be a bit of a distraction if I didn’t shower. (sniff, sniff, eww)

When push comes to shove, and the furnace gets hot, are we still who we want to be? If we don’t get our hearts desire and our world seems to be falling apart…do we fall to pieces and wish we were dead? Is that really who we are inside?

I have always been a pretty strong person I think. I’ve never been someone that was a crier or whiner….except maybe in childbirth…. Even so, I think that since Brad died I have become even more ‘tough.’ I don’t know if it takes seeing the person you love most die right before you eyes to make you put an extra shell around your heart, but it definitely did it for me.

I found that I stopped getting so attached to people outside my family. This could explain why I didn’t make good friends very easily after I moved. Life had become more of a passing thing to me, shorter, more temporary when I became single.

It took me almost three years to realize I wasn’t going to die soon. At least, that I couldn’t plan on it. Brad died so young, it kind of put a ‘ceiling’ on my expected life. I didn’t plan very far in the future, I lived more for the moment, and I felt I was near the end of the ‘term.’

But that isn’t the way to live. Especially since I have six beautiful, wonderful, young children whom I adore. I need to plan for their future, their long term, without a ceiling.

Who knows how long this life will last. Some say it will all end in December. Some say it won’t. I feel confident in saying that I don’t have a clue. All I can do is live each day to it’s fullest, plan for a long future, and try and help my kids be prepared for a long, wonderful life.

Anything that gets in my way and makes me turn to despair….really isn’t worth my time. Cause I said so.

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