I mentioned the book I started the other day, Chasing the Moon by A. Lee Martinez. I admit I am reading it slow…partly because I don’t have a lot of free time, partly because I am addicted to word games on my cell phone, and partly because it is a bit confusing. I’m not criticizing the author, I’m sure it is confusing mostly due to the fact that I am a scatter brain these days. I blame the children….Anyway. I am liking the book. It is all about this twisted world full of dimensions that are colliding and overlapping. The main character feels she is losing her mind most of the time. I think she has every reason to. In fact, if she doesn’t do it soon..I’m afraid it is only because she is going to morph into something not normal.
There are days when I also feel like I am losing my mind. I sometimes take a step back and look at myself and wonder who in the H-E-double-hockey-stick I am. I’ve written about this before, so I won’t go into great detail, but just know that it hasn’t gotten much better. Lately I feel like a fireman(woman) that has been on call for the last three months without a break. I’ve been running all over town putting out fires and trying to keep things under control. It is way past the “I need a nap” stage I’m afraid. There is a part of me that wants to sell my house, pack up everything I care about (including my kids), change my number, and move to a cave in Montana. Assuming of course that the ‘cave’ it fully electric and cable ready. I do have my limits.
I used to get so upset with Brad because we moved so much. I hate moving. I hate packing, unpacking, cleaning, unpacking, lifting heavy boxes, unpacking….etc. It was always me that did all the work (packing and unpacking) and I hated it. When I think about it now, I still hate that part of the moving, but I didn’t realize how awesome it was to have a fresh start every few years. Yeah, you have to find the schools, stores, etc….and even new clients for my business, but other than that it is quite the adventure. We’ve lived here for almost three years now. That is a long time in Carlson years. I still feel fairly new here, simply because I am single, unemployed, and too lazy to go meet most of my neighbors. In the past, I got involved in everything I could, right away. Here…not so much. Part of me still thinks everything is still….temporary. Being married for almost 20 years can make a person feel like that I think. I’m still waiting for Brad to come home from his business trip or something. Sometimes when we say family prayer, I almost ‘remind’ the kids to ask for a blessing on dad while he is out of town. Yeah, I’m messed up.
My kids are doing okay though. At least I think so. I know they miss him too. Today, I was driving home from a graduation dinner with my kids and Jared was up front talking to me. He is so much like his dad. Brad was a talker. I used to wish he would just shut up some times. lol…anyway…..Jared is a lot like that. I love hearing him talk. He gets passionate about the things he says and he does a lot of thinking out loud, just like Brad. I found myself feeling some of the same old feelings I felt when Brad would monologue. I was interested and listening intently….then I was disagreeing in my head…and then I was getting drowsy. Brad would almost always talk me to sleep. It would piss him off, but I never had insomia! I wish I was a better listener for Jared…meaning I wish I could understand everything he says and give him a worth while argument back. I can see flaws in his reasoning at times but…I know I don’t have enough info to give him a good enough argument to change his mind. Kind of like Brad. Its true that a bit of us lives on in our children.
Because of my feelings of almost insanity, I decided I would go for a walk tonight. It is late, and dark, and only a bit cool, but walking is a good way for me to escape and clear my head. I usually don’t have a problem walking alone, but I thought I might take Fantine with me tonight to “protect” me…lol. I was thinking about that when I sat down to write this. I decided to google for images of “things that go bump in the night” and came up with this really cool picture, song, and video. I hope you enjoy it. I hope I didn’t break any laws by posting it here either. May you all have sweet dreams and be able to keep those things that go bump in the night at bay….at least until you can harness them and make them do your dishes….cause I said so.