So, today is my birthday. I would tell you how old I am if I could remember. There are some things that I have forgotten that…basically I am okay with. Yes, I could do the math and figure it out, but why? I’m happy just sitting at 40 for a while. I do this frequently. I remember one day when someone asked me how old I was and I answered “33”.  My daughter looked up at me and said, ‘Mom, you haven’t been 33 for a couple of years.” I was honestly surprised. I really thought I was 33. I guess it was just an easy number to remember so, I stuck with it. Once you hit the decades, do the little numbers between them really matter? I don’t think so.

I went to lunch with my mom, sisters, daughter, son, aunt and uncle. Oh, and amazing miss Q too. She is like our mascot wherever we go. She keeps us from being too serious. If we are ever feeling like the seriousness of the day is starting to gain ground, all we have to do is look over at her and she is most likely either upside down, sticking her tongue out with food, or rolling her eyes back in her head to where you can only see peeks of the blue at the top. She is a goofy goof ball and I adore her. I also adore the rest of my family, kids included, but Q is kind of an uniQue little patch of sunshine.

It’s probably because she is the youngest of the whole family. We don’t have any other babies so, even tho she is five..she is the baby. For now. My daughter is pregnant. It is a weird feeling when you look at the person that used to be your tiny baby and realize there is another tiny person growing inside of her. It really kind of pushes things into the next clink of the time clock. My mom had me when she was very young. She was only sixteen. By the time I was sixteen, she was only 32 (look! I’m doing math!) so…we could have both been pregnant at the same time. 32 is not old to have children. I had Ben when I was around that age…I think….. I believe it was probably hard for my mom, being so young herself, to step into the grandparent clink. Although having a grandchild tends to push even the most unwilling into the role of a grandparent, she was able to keep her youth and immaturity in tact. (I mean that in the nicest way….)I didn’t end up making my mom a grandmother until she was around 36 but she was nervous for those four years…

Here I am, much (barely!) older that my mother was when she first became a grandmother and I’m wondering how I will feel when it finally happens. I can feel the maturity trying to creep up on me, but honestly, I have always been a bit mature. The joke is that I raised my parents because they were just babies when they had me. In a way, I think that is true. When you have a child, like it or not, it matures you a bit. Some more than others (I’m not naming any names…) for me, I think becoming a mother pushed me into the role I had always been meant to be in. I think I am a natural mother. Not that I’m a GREAT mother, just a natural one. It is normal for me to look out and care for others, especially my kids. It was never weird or uncomfortable for me. That being said, I did break down in tears when I first held my daughter. It was a huge mixture of terror and love all at once. The terror left quickly but the love has only gotten stronger.

My daughter is scared of this new step in her life. I think that is a good sign. She is smart because she realizes that this is going to change her life. There is nothing as wonderful as being a mom, or anything harder. It breaks our heart almost every day, but it brings more joy than anything else in the world.

I’m hoping that when it happens, it will click into place for her. She will have that inner mother seed sprout up and she will be great. She isn’t in as secure of a position as I was when I had her, but she does have an awesome support group around her in our family. I’ll repeat what I keep telling her….It’s all going to be okay…..cause I said so.


photo credit: http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.hdwallpapers.in/walls/millions_of_hearts-wide.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.hdwallpapers.in/millions_of_hearts-wallpapers.html&h=1200&w=1920&sz=282&tbnid=SmwERkX1fPR2KM:&tbnh=88&tbnw=141&prev=/search%3Fq%3Dimages%2Bof%2Bhearts%26tbm%3Disch%26tbo%3Du&zoom=1&q=images+of+hearts&docid=E7jrn306oDgkJM&sa=X&ei=wTGXT8H4MMSjiQKJ0PHADw&ved=0CDsQ9QEwBA&dur=245

7 thoughts on “timelines

  1. Beckie, congrats on becoming a grandmother! What a wonderful new phase you will enter. i love reading your writing, when’s the book ocming out?!

  2. Becki,
    Wow…a lot said! Congratulations on becoming a grandmother. I just had 4 of my grandchildren visiting. No greater joy to share than between grandchildren and grandparents. I hope all goes well with the pregnancy, support and that precious bundle. Happy Birthday. We love you!

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