Do you remember your dreams?

Some people say they don’t dream. They go to sleep and there is a void, lack of any brain activity, until they wake up. I think they are in denial. Whether you like it or not, I think your brain is up to something while you are sleeping. Maybe it is plotting revenge for your over use of smart phones or other things we do that dumb us down (guilty here). Maybe some people are just too controlling to admit their mind may come up with things they wouldn’t like to admit to outside of a rave. Just saying…

I don’t always remember my dreams. I know I have them though. Some days I wake up and think…that was cool…and it disolves with the morning mist. Other days I wake up and the dream is still there….lingering, picking at the edges of my mind all day. Urging me towards something…

Then there are the days when I have a dream that wakes me up and causes me to ask myself, “What the heck was that about?!” You know what I mean. Maybe. This is how I felt last Thursday when I woke up from a dream where Baby Raptors were chancing me and my family all over this beautiful farm with rolling hills. Why?

I think that sometimes, dreams are messages. I have had several distinct dreams that stand out in my mind. Dreams that not only lingered, but got so into my head that they were a sort of filter I saw everything else through for days. Those dreams are hard to get rid of. Those are the dreams that make me feel like I’m not alone and that I do have someone trying to prod me in the right direction.

I had a dream like that before Brad died. It was vivid then and still is. I can see it clearly in my head. It was a warning, I was sure. At the time, I took it very literally. Now, looking back, I can see that is was more of a parable than an exact warning. I may have failed on that warning. The verdict is still out.

I’ve had some dreams I can totally chalk up to my own feelings of inadequacy. Dreams where Brad comes back. He walks in the front door. I’m flabbergasted. Where had he been all these years? He always has a new story. “I traveled, I was under the leaves on the balcony, I was in space….” All of the stories are completely unbelievable. The common factor is him telling me how disappointed he is in me. He knew I couldn’t do it alone, I messed everything up. I know these dreams are from my own brain because, he would never tell me that. Plus, he would never come back! lol

A few weeks ago, I had another dream that has lingered in a very big way. I’m in a dystopian type of area. There are metal beams all around. I’m walking on a bridge that overlooks murky water. As I look over the edge of the bridge, I see a small child floating in/under the water. I panic! I jump in and grab the child and bring it to safety. Through all of this, people are walking around, not really noticing what is going on. The child is out. The dream fast forwards. I look and see the child in the water again. I can’t believe it is back in there! I shout for help! Again, I dive in and pull the child out. Some people try to help me. One person is a doctor or something and they point out that the child has a hard time breathing OUT of the water. I don’t understand. Fast forward and the child is back in the water.

Now, a little back story here…I have a slight water phobia when it comes to kids around water. It is terrifying to me. So, the fact that a child is repeatedly in peril, in the water, really spoke to me.  As I thought about this dream, and why it has stuck with me so strongly, I was given a sort of ‘answer.’

I have a few children who are not living the ‘safest’ lifestyle right now. They are making choices that make me very concerned. I want them to be safe. I am constantly trying to pull them to safety by talking to them, counselling them, telling them I love them, pointing out the risks in what they are doing…etc. The message I think this dream is giving me is that no matter what we do, some people (our children) are going to keep jumping back in the water. There are many reasons why they may choose to do this, but the point is…they are choosing it.  I can spend my life pulling them out, but until they decide they want to stay dry, they are going to keep jumping in.

It wasn’t a very comforting dream/message, but it helped me not feel quite so bad about my parenting. It is tough to be a parent and even harder to be a single parent. I know I have failed in many ways. I don’t think there is a parent out there that can honestly say they couldn’t have done any better. We all look back and see flaws. But…we simply can’t make all the choices for our kids. That wasn’t the plan we supported. The freedom to choose is a beautiful and precious gift.

Sometimes I think I would like to just rewind and go back and do it all over. Then I realize that if one thing were to change…it all could change. Life isn’t so very bad as it is. It may be hard and depressing and really messy, but I have something that can’t be taken away.

I have hope. And with hope, anything and everything is possible.

Hold on to hope.

Cause I said so.

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