I saw an ad for a new singles’ site. It is called ‘Mutual’. It looks basically the same as every other site out there, except it has someone from Studio C on the ad. So, I’m pretty sure all your dreams will come true there. Just saying.

I was driving around today, thinking, pondering, avoiding the silence of my brooding teenage son, and I started thinking about personal ads. Remember back in the day when those were a thing? Remember the newspaper? Did you know some people still read that? I don’t understand that. When I was a teenager, my parents decided to torture us by having us deliver newspapers.

You might not think that would be a form of torture, but….the facts were: we all hated getting up in the morning, we all got terribly car sick just by entering a moving vehicle, newspapers are gross ink seeping things, and the smell of inky paper and orange blossoms has been known to get the tops spys to spill state secrets. I still have nightmares about those early mornings. The only up side was that our HUGE suburban had a broken speedometer so we were allowed to speed out of ignorance. The cruise control was also ‘broken’ because all it did was increase your speed constantly. It was kind of a rush to drive…

I digress. As I am currently single, I thought about what I could put in a singles ad that would be appealing. At work, they always tell us to use the ‘sandwich method’ when talking to parents. Say something nice, then something true, then end with nice. I figured this would work for a singles ad too. Tell me what you think:

*Angelina look alike looking for her soul mate. She is a bit controlling and afraid of commitment. Promises to cook you amazing food and listen to all your football stories. Email if interested.

*Ex Model with long brown hair and no debt looking for prince charming. Still supporting 6+ kids who are mostly drug free on week days. Loves to hike and help clean your hunting kills. Email if interested.

*Rich cougar looking for someone she can buy a sports car for. Mostly wrinkled and can’t walk more than 30 feet without her feet swelling up. Won’t check your phone or ask you where you went last Saturday. Send carrier pigeon if interested.

*Smart, sexy, great sense of humored woman looking for overweight guy that likes to watch football. I hate meat and only eat hummus and garlic daily. I can’t wait to serve you wings and pizza on the couch in front of the game! Just come on over if you want me!

*Tell me what to do and what to think! I can’t remember my name most days. I’ll wipe your chins for you and pick up all your laundry! Please write in all caps when you reply.

Maybe I’m a bit cynical…or not. Maybe the single scene is just a load of “carbs” and doesn’t appeal to me. Maybe someday I’ll meet someone that understands that you really do need to look under the hood of the car, rev the engine and listen to it run for a while before you buy it. But, it gets great mileage and will run forever.

Cause I said so.

Photo credit: Sciencedaily.com