I have a confession to make. Don’t get too excited, it isn’t anything juicy, racy, or even very surprising. My ugly secret is, I don’t watch the news. No CNN, NBC, or even KFC for me. I don’t watch 20/20 or 60 minutes or even Sesame Street. You may think I am a lazy, non-caring, freeloading…whatever, but I have good reason. Whenever I do give in and watch the news, something horrible happens. The last time I put forth effort to watch the news, a tsunami hit. Maybe you remember it? Yeah, that was me.
I feel it is safer for everyone if I just get my daily updates from my Facebook feed and leave it at that.
I’d like to apologize for what happened today. I had a good streak of no news and I felt like the world was doing okay. Today, I got my hair done. I know, everyone’s doing it…but the God of Hair decided it would be cool to watch the news whilst we did the hair taming. Usually we watch something entertaining like….paint peeling or the gay guy in the next chair, but since he moved his ‘salon’ to his garage, there is not a lot of entertaining options.
I tried to advert my eyes as much as I could by taking naps, but I did see some news. Well, at least I THINK it was supposed to be news. All I remember is a bachelor is running for president (not my type), the temperature in Mesa is supposed to reach Hell status by Friday, and a white woman is convinced she is really black.
Okay, let’s just spend 5 seconds on that last one. What? I admit that in high school, my best friend claimed to be a “black woman trapped in a white woman’s body”, but I am pretty sure she was just referring to her taste in music. That girl had serious ‘soul’. This lady on the news was all kinds of crazy confusion. I couldn’t really hear all that was said over the hair dryer, but my lip reading skills are pretty good. I’m fairly certain she claims her parents are lying about her actually being born white or her mother had an affair with Micheal Jordan, or….actually, I am not sure what she said.
All I could think about while watching this very WHITE, formerly BLONDE woman talk was how I could totally relate. She says she has drawn herself with a brown crayon since she was very young. This is a big deal. I have always drawn myself as a cat since I was very young. She feels like she is really black….I feel like I am really a panther. I mean, how else do you explain my hunger for having my hair played with? Obviously I want to be Petted. Every now and then I get an itch behind my ear…..like my cat! And let’s not even talk about how much I love fish. I could eat it all day!
I wonder if there is an organization that can help me get the feline rights that are due to me. I think it is only fair that since I feel like I am a cat, I should be allowed to lie in a sunny windowsill all day while someone plays with my hair. I should have someone fill my plate and drink whenever I am hungry. I should be allowed to roam free, and be adored by people everywhere I go.
Who should I call? PETA? The Humane Society? The Foundation for IntraSpecies Confusion Victims? I’m entitled to some rights, I just FEEL it. I’m not going to stop til I get what I deserve.
I’m doing this! After a short nap…..cause I said so.
Photo credit: http://www.santabanta.com