White flag

galaxy quest aliens

One of my favorite movies is Galaxy Quest. I love how it makes fun of Star Trek (also a favorite), has Tim Allen ( alway the toolman to me), and repeats the line “never give up, never surrender.” I honestly chant that to myself at times when I feel like not only throwing in the towel, but the entire basket of laundry. Being a mother is exhausting. Being a single mom is impossible.

Okay, I shouldn’t say “impossible”…I know you will all come back with Audrey Hepburn’s quote about the word ‘impossible’ actually saying ‘I’m Possible’…whatever. It’s not that being a single mom is actually impossible, it’s the being a “good” single mom that is impossible. At least for me.

How does one deal with all their own neurotic mental messes involving, but not limited to, feelings of abandonment, loneliness, fear of failure, fear of surrender, fear of being controlled, fear of not being there for their kids, fear of being there too much for their kids, fear of…oh heck, I could go on for days. When I don’t take care of me, I am a terrible mom. When I do take care of me, I am a neglectful mom. It really does seem like a no win situation.

So, get married. Don’t be single, you say. That isn’t always the best option either. See “fear of being controlled” from the list above. And yes, I realized I’m using ” and ‘ interchangeably, but this is my blog so deal.

I do have a fear of being controlled. I wonder why tho. My first marriage was a good one. I don’t think I was ‘controlled.’ My husband talked about stuff with me, we made joint decisions, and I relied on him and trusted his judgement. If anything, I might have been lazy, letting him do all the ‘big thinking’ for our family. I did have input, but I let him take the stress on the big stuff.

I’ve seriously wondered about my control fear a lot lately. I’ve had some really wonderful relationships, and they have fallen apart because of a lot of things, but mostly because of my fear of being controlled. I also have a fear of men’s clothing on my floor, the toilet lid/seat being left up, big shoes by my bed, reporting my spending habits, snoring, bad breath, and the loss of bathroom privacy. I’m sure there is more to that list, but…that’s enough for today.

Fear is a strong word though. “Fear” implies that I sit in the corner and shake at the very thought of these things, that I throw big shoes at these things, or that I scream when I see them. That’s not true. I’m not terrified…in fact, I come close to seeing my fear pretty often. Nevertheless (such a cool word) I am still a bit afraid.

I don’t have a cool ending for this one.  No solutions here. I’m a tough girl that can tie my own shoes and everything. I can even take out my own trash. I don’t mow the lawn, but I could if I really had to. Sigh. This life thing…doesn’t always go as planned. In fact, it rarely does. I love my teenagers….but they may be the death of me. Of course, if I died….what would happen to them? Who would wait up for them when they were 9 hours late. Who would bail them out and buoy them up and cheer them on? Guess I better suck it up and stick it through….never give up and never surrender.

Cause I said so.

 

Photo credit: galaxy quest

One thought on “White flag

  1. Oh Beckie, I admire and respect you so very much. I felt all those worries about my children and my husband lived long enough to raise them with me. I can’t begin to imagine all you have had to take on. But, knowing you, you woke up extra sassy this morning. Sending you lovelovelove,
    Deb

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