Lately, Ben has been asking us all a question, all day. Whenever there is a lul in action or conversation.

“if you could have any power, what would you want?” we aren’t supposed to pick a normal one like, flying or super strength. He wants us to pick something original. It has kept us on our toes and thinking.

He usually blows us out of the water with the power he comes up with. He wants the power to teleport across the world, or the power to make things appear out of now where or the power to read minds.

Yesterday he asked us the question and we scrambled for ideas. After we all spouted out our various power wishes, he quietly said, “I would want the power to bring people back from the dead. Just for one day. Like Jesus did.”  He had such a sad little look on his face. I asked him if he wanted to bring his dad back. He said yes.

Before Brad died, he talked of dying. I think he knew it was coming. So did I. He told me his biggest worry was that I would be devastated.  He said he wouldn’t be able to take it if I was. I told him I would be fine. I would carry on and deal, just like I always do. But I told him his kids wouldn’t be okay. They would miss him terribly. I wanted to put his mind at ease about me, but I knew his kids would suffer more than I would. I didn’t want him giving up. I wanted him to be there for his kids.

It’s true. I have dealt with it. I can keep myself busy and not think about how much I miss him. Sometimes I get so busy with life that I forget my kids are missing their dad. It’s kind of weird….I can’t imagine my dad being gone. Especially as a child. I remember one night when I was a teenager when my dad was taken away in an ambulance. I don’t remember what was wrong with him, but I was so upset….I tore down all the pictures of Boy George on my wall (he was a rebellion thing) and promised I would only listen to good music if Heavenly Father would make sure my dad came home okay. He did come home okay. He is still okay and still my rock.

I think about the night my kids dad was taken away in an ambulance. I kept them in another part of the house. I didn’t want them to see their dad like that. I wonder if they stood at windows and made bargains with their Heavenly Father….praying their daddy would come home safe. And he didn’t. They never saw him again. They didn’t get to go to the hospital. They didn’t see him again til his funeral.  I talked to a therapist about the kids when Brad died. I wanted to do the right thing. He said they should see him in the casket so they would have closure.  I honestly don’t know how they can even handle it.

I don’t know how to make up for him not being here. He was the fun one, the one that let the kids watch all the shows I hate and play the games I don’t like. He was the one that didn’t make them clean up or follow rules when mom was gone. He was the one that would sit and talk to them for hours. I was always the one that had to get stuff done. I was the one that tried to get kids to school and church and all the stuff they were supposed to do.

I do miss Brad. I feel a bit lost without him at times. He was so smart….I could count on him to figure things out for me. He wasn’t perfect, but he was ours. I find myself wishing for the same power as Ben sometimes….just one more day. Not so much for me, but for my kids. One more day with their dad……..