Music is powerful. I have felt the power of music in  my life many times. In school, I was always in band, choir, or orchestra. I’ve always had music, in some form, in my life. There have been times when I have had my heart softened, my mind changed, or my life guided through the words of a song.

When I was 18 or so, I hiked the Grand Canyon. Okay, I only did one small part down and up, but I camped at the bottom and got blisters, so it counts. I remember trying to make it out; tired, hot, drained, and ready to quit. A song came into my head. I think it was by Chicago, of all bands, but the steady beat of that song caused my feet to keep moving and get me out of the canyon. Power.

When I was a newly wed, I had trouble having a baby. I was able to get pregnant without trouble, but the babies wouldn’t stay. At one point, I was told my unborn baby was no longer alive and I would have to have an emergency D & C. It was a dark moment for me. I went into the restroom in the hospital and just broke down in tears. I wanted that baby and I couldn’t understand why it was being taken away from me. As I struggled with my thoughts and the pain in my heart, a song was put into my mind. “Jesus, Savior, Pilot me.”

“Over life’s tempestuous sea;

Unknown waves before me roll,

Hiding rock and treacherous shoal.

Chart and compass came from thee;

Jesus, Savior, Pilot me.”

It wasn’t a song I sang much or really knew, but at that time the words were clear, as was the message contained. I was comforted and strengthened and able to make it through that trial.

Not long before Brad died, I remember being in my craft room working on scrapbooking or cards or something. A song came on the radio that spoke to me. I hadn’t heard it before and I immediately went to my computer and found it and ordered it. Yesterday, as I was driving late at night to get my daughter, that same song came on and I heard the words in a new way.

I’m wide awake and so alive
Ringing like a bell
Tell me this is paradise
And not someplace I fell
‘Cause I keep on fallin’ down

I wanna feel the car crash
I wanna feel the capsize
I wanna feel the bomb drop, the earth stop
‘Til I’m satisfied
I wanna feel the car crash
‘Cause I’m dyin’ on the inside
I wanna let go and know
That I’ll be alright, alright

Just push me ’til I have to fly
I’ve shed my skin, my scars
Take me deep out past the lights
Where nothing dims these stars
Nothing dims these stars

I wanna feel the car crash
I wanna feel the capsize
I wanna feel the bomb drop, the earth stop
‘Til I’m satisfied
I wanna feel the car crash
‘Cause I’m dyin’ on the inside
I wanna let go and know
That I’ll be alright, alright

So right
It’s all wrong
(Car Crash by Matt Nathanson)

I remember where I was in my life, personally, back then. I didn’t feel alive. I felt a bit humdrum and numb. Life wasn’t bad, but it had little flavor in some ways. I remember hearing this song and connecting with the desires in it.

Fast forward 7 years. In some ways I’ve felt that car crash. I’ve been in the capsize. The bomb has dropped, the earth has stopped, and yet….I’m not satisfied. It makes me wonder if the desires I have to feel something more are impossible in a way.

Another song comes in to answer my question.

“You say that the wells’ run dry

and there’s no more tears tocry

You’re searching for something real

to make you feel

 

You know that you’re incomplete

a song with a broken beat

there’s a hole in all our hearts

and there’s a reason why

 

We were born to be

A part of something holy

All of us are restless

‘Til we find

 

We were born to be

A part of something holy

 

Bigger than, bigger than

Bigger than you and I

Bigger than all our lives.

The hunger you feel inside

That keeps you unsatisfied

It pulls at you constantly

Like gravity

 

This world never was enough

We’re made for a deeper love

There’s a hole in all our hearts

It’s part of our design…”

(Stellar Kart, Something Holy)

Maybe I’ll never fill that hole that I feel. Maybe what I need isn’t here. Maybe that longing, that empty spot is what keeps me moving forward. Working and searching for more. Maybe that is the point.

Music is my muse, my guide, my soul food. It is the way the Spirit speaks to me and guides me in my life. It answers questions and creates hope.

Music..

I need it….

cause I said so.