Mine eyes have seen


2004 was a memorable year for me due to several things. First of all, it was the year I earned a free cruise with my company. I was able to take my husband on a free trip to Alaska for a week. Looking back, that was our only escape together after we had kids. It was an amazing trip. Another think that happened that year was that we moved to Florida from Alabama. A move I had dreaded, but ended up being wonderful for our family.  The highlight of the year would have to be getting Lasik on my eyes.

I was a goofy kid. Don’t let my mom tell you otherwise, she lies. I dressed funny, wore my hair funny, had a big overbite, and wore hideous glasses. Okay, a lot of those things happened because I was a kid in the 70s, but I was extra weird. The kids at school sometimes had a hard time deciding which name to call me. Four eyes? Bucky? Becky with a Y? Decisions. I tended to try and blend in with the avocado green background of that time period as much as possible. It worked for the most part….

I didn’t say much as a kid. I had great ideas, but I was so afraid they would come out as a bark or something stupid, I kept them to myself. I remember laughing to myself at my hilarity, wishing I could share. It’s terrifying to be a kid that is ‘different’. Looking back, I think what I missed was that all kids are ‘different’. Why can’t we see that til the time has passed?

Glasses were a pain for me. My nose just isn’t built to hold them. I’d get headaches if I didn’t wear them, and headaches if I did. Thankfully, after much begging, my parents got me contacts when I was fourteen (I think). Life became so much better when I could see stuff! Sure, I still had to deal with saline and contact cases and swimming blind, but it was much better. I threw the glasses out and only wore them when I was pregnant. Thanks for that, hormones…

Getting Lasik was a dream I’d had for a long time. For some reason, we had a bit of money in 2004 and that is what we decided to spend it on. The process itself was borderline horror movie. Remember, I’m a big baby. Something about having your eyeball hardened to a rock and a laser blasted into it, on purpose, really scared the c+$&# out of me. But I did it. It was easy, and totally worth it!

Here I am, eleven years later, and guess what? My eye doctor has decided I need reading glasses. My days of carefree reading have started to fade. I told him I would eat more fish, I’d drink more water, I’d stop turning on the lights in my house…..anything that would help. He told me I was getting older and this is what happens to everyone. I didn’t hit him or kick him or even cuss him out. I shot him some dirty looks, and went home. Eleven years of perfect vision is great, but I’d like more.

As a kid, we something thought it would be so glamorous to be an adult. We could do whatever we wanted, go wherever we wanted, spend money like we wanted…. Now that we are actually here, we realize that all those things come with a price. We are responsible for all those choices and we have to work hard to do what we want before our bodies wear out on us. I’m not doing seeing stuff. I’m not done reading and writing and drawing doodles all over every inch of paper I own. I need my eyes, like, a lot. So, regardless of what my YOUNGER eye doctor says, I’m not giving into the ‘my eyes are just going to fail cuz I’m getting a bit older’ routing. I’m going to eat lots of fish, drink lots of water, and wear my sunglasses at night. Who knows, maybe it will help….maybe I’ll just be the coolest kid around. Cause I said so.

Photo credit: http://www.imgbuddy.com

Twisted Sifter



Do you ever get on of those nagging thoughts that just won’t go away? Maybe it’s a problem you can’t figure out. Or maybe its worrying about someone you care about. Maybe it’s wondering how you got to this strange life you live. It plagues you at night…interrupting dreams of River Dance with Brandon Fraser, or reruns of New Girl. It’s annoying.

I’ve never had that. You all are weird.

Seriously. I have had a tickle of a thought the last few weeks. It’s been something that pulls at my heart strings a bit. I don’t have an answer (surprise) but I feel the need to ask the question.

As you may or may not know, I have lived all across the Southern United States. Being in Aerospace, we moved around quite a bit. I’ve met some wonderful people all across this beautiful land. I’m not great at keeping in touch with people, but I do check up with them on FB. Before that….yeah, I sucked. It is neat to be able to peek in on people I used to see at the school or church regularly, without having to pick up the phone and make awkward calls. I hate talking on the phone.

So, lately (three years or so) I’ve noticed that several of the women I’ve know from the various states, have gotten divorced and left the church. I look at these women and I see them as I knew them. They were my visiting teaching companions, my kids primary teachers, scout leaders, etc. They were, in my eyes, spiritual giants. I looked up to these women because they knew stuff. They understood it. They would bear their testimonies and I could feel it. I admit, I leaned on them a bit when I was weak.  What happened?

I know that several of them had awesome husbands that ended up cheating on them. Sometimes with other awesome women I looked up to. How does it happen? How does a person go from being rock solid in the gospel, to leaving it all behind and living another life?

I look at their beautiful pictures of strapless evening gowns, new weddings, strategic tattoos….and I wonder if they ever wake up in the middle of the night and ask themselves where they are. How did they get to this strange life they are living?

There are a lot of single people out there. They all have their reasons for being where they are. The choices we make are ours. No matter what choice anyone else makes, we are still accountable for ours. I’m not judging anyone here. My heart hurts for these beautiful women. Sure, my husband died, and that was hard. It is still hard. But I couldn’t do it without my testimony and the gospel in my life. Maybe I’m weak? Maybe I need that rock to build on. Maybe, it takes strength to hold on to it.

Cause I said so.

Photo credit: http://www.shop411.com

Buttons on your underwear



The last two weeks have truly been a gift. No, I didn’t finally get to go to Italy or lose those ten pounds. I went on an adventure, right in my own home.

It started two weeks ago with a strange beeping noise that came from my refrigerator. I opened the door and waited for the massive beast to tell me what it wanted, but it just kept beeping. It didn’t even get louder or more specific like you are supposed to do when talking to someone that doesn’t speak your language. I pushed a few buttons, opened and closed the door a few more times, ate some grapes and decided it probably needed a new water filter. I think you are supposed to change those every….two years? (6 months)

Feeling very grown up and responsible, I headed upstairs to the computer and ordered a new filter. I  opted not to order the two-pack, simply because I was feeling cheap. I patted myself on the back for being so amazing at problem solving and returned to my day.

Two days later, the refrigerator decided it was too much work to keep cold. I’m pretty sure it was feeling underappreciated because it hadn’t had a bath in a few weeks (months) and was just throwing a fit. I had the girls clean it (they didn’t) and started looking on YouTube for solutions. More back patting occurred as I bought a shop vac and cleaned the coils. (Did you know you could do that?) That should do it! (chest puffing and a bit of strutting might have happened.) I also used the new shop vac to clean out the couch. I found a bag of money from a fundraiser my son did five years ago. I was being rewarded for my efforts already!

Apparently, having clean coils makes the freezer jealous. It decided to go on strike with the refrigerator side. This is where I really put on my “I’m an adult” hat and called the home warranty office. “Remember that warranty I purchased TO COVER MY FRIDGE?” They didn’t remember. Everyone that worked at the company had been afflicted with amnesia that only covered the months around when I purchased the FRIDGE WARRANTY. My adult hat turned backwards and I started yelling. It wasn’t pretty, and frankly, wasn’t effective either. I called a repairman.

The repairman was incredibly helpful. According to him, my fridge was broken. I needed to give him lots of money and he would try to find the part I needed. He assured me that it was a part that was no longer made and it would take months to get it, if it came at all. But, please, give him $700.

Don’t judge me, but I was skeptical. I called a friend who found the part I was told I needed online for $80. Huh. When I called the repairman back and asked about this miracle, he assured me it was the part I needed but that the online store was full of liars that would take my money and never deliver. Sounded kind of like….well, I told him it was worth a shot! I ordered the part.

I might have forgotten to mention that during this saga, my air conditioner went out. No biggie….its only 1000 degrees in Mesa in July. “Just get in the pool, kids!” The home warranty decided they could cover the air conditioner, so they were redeemed and the hit-men were called off. For now.

Back to the fridge. After a week, the part arrived! Feeling very smug, I pulled it from it’s cute little box and pulled up the YouTube video on how to install it. The lady at the online store had said most people install this part themselves. I figured between me and my brilliant children, we could do this. The weird part was, what I had in my hand and what was on the video was….slightly different. Or possibly, HUGELY different. Poop. My adult hat was crumpled and in the corner. My back was not getting pats. I was ready to throw in the towel.

I called a friend and got a deal at an appliance store in town. I went in, picked out a new fridge and set up delivery for the next day. It was money I didn’t want to spend, but I was going to be fat and broke if we kept eating out twice a day. No fridge is a big deal, especially in the summer when all you want is veggies!

The next day, I got a call during my training from the fridge installation guys. Problem. (of course) The fridge couldn’t be installed because the electrical outlet had to be higher and there was water everywhere. huh. I thought I had noticed water in the dining room…. I convinced them to take the old fridge anyway and leave the new one in the garage. I would deal with it later. Pause. Another call. Apparently, when the installation guys had turned off the water main to the house to unhook the fridge, it had frozen and they couldn’t turn it back on. That’s weird, but okay, I’ll take care of it.

Fast forward three days. We’ve been without a fridge and without water at my house. We have all gained ten pounds each from eating fast food garbage, and I’ve had more repair trucks in front of my house than Mike Holmes. A very nice plumber (dressed to the nines by the way) comes to assess the water main. He cannot figure out why the installation guys touched the water main. He showed me the little valve, complete with INSTRUCTIONS, that turned off water to the fridge. Huh. He was nice enough to write all this information on his bill of $362 to repair the handle on the water main the guys had broken off. I think I’m gonna share that bill with the appliance store. Just for giggles.

So here it is, Sunday. It’s a beautiful day. I’m feeling thankful for this day of rest to spend with my family and go to church. I feel very blessed that I have a home and running water and health. I’ve learned a lot over the past two weeks. It takes a lot to care for a home by yourself. It’s not my favorite thing, but I’m glad I am able to do it, even when it is hard. I’m also grateful that tomorrow, if I’m lucky, I’ll have a fridge in my house again. And this time, I promise to give it more quality time…cause I said so.

Photo credit: http://www.applianceconnection.com

Forked ton



My son has a gift. When he was small….around five, we found a mouse on our back porch. It was a tiny thing with a long tail. He was not afraid of it at all. He picked it up and swung it around by its tail. They became the best of friends. He played with it for a long time. When it was time to set it free (and wash our hands) we dropped it out in the ferns in our back yard. The little guy looked up at my son with longing in his beady little eyes. It was almost as if it was saying, “Can’t I stay with you?” sniff sniff….it was magical. And a little weird.

I’ve finally had a chance to get into the pool I spent my entire life savings on this week. It’s been hot as….Phoenix, and it is an easy way to keep the grandson happy and not making messes inside. My son decided to grace us with his presence this week as well. We were splashing along when I spied a tiny, TINY, lizard holding on for dear life under the lip of the pool.

I am not afraid of lizards, how could I have been after living in Florida, but I called my son over to get the little guy. I was holding the grandson and didn’t think I could wrangle two wild beasts at once. My son came over and got the lizard to climb into his hand. He was perfectly happy in his hand. In fact, he staying with my son for quite a while. He rode in  his hand, climbed up his arm, walked across his chest, and finally built an impromptu next in his hair. I can handle the body walking, but when something other than a hot guys hands get in my hair…there is a problem. My son had no problem with it. He walked around with this tiny lizard for over an hour.

I told my son he must be a lizard whisperer. He said no, he just understood living things. I have to agree with him on this. My son may have trouble expressing himself, getting along with other, and saying things that are appropriate at times, but he can get along with any animal.

When we got our last dog, she would stand over him like she was protecting him. Our cats will sit on the back of a couch or chair and groom his hair. He literally has an animal magnetism.

I think most people with autism have a special awareness that gives them insight into the animal world. Maybe they don’t have any preconceived notions about the difference between man and beast. Maybe they really can communicate on a higher level. Maybe they smell better. I don’t know. All I know is that if I get lost in a forest, I want my son with me to ‘talk’ to the beasts so they don’t eat me. Cause I said so.

Photo credit: http://www.oddpad.com

Transit Shawns



I used to say that I hated change. I didn’t like moving especially. That really stunk because we tended to move every two years for a long time. Each time we would move, I would sink my roots deep and hold on for dear life, only to have to rip them up after about 24 months. I didn’t like it.

When I look back, I think I might have been confused about things. I was always making changes. I would rip wallpaper down, paint walls, move furniture, and switch the kids rooms. I was always causing changes. I think deep down, I liked the challenge changes brought.

During the six years we lived in Florida, I think I switched the kids rooms around at least once a year, if not more. It was an addiction. It kept me busy. It probably drove my family mad.

I tried a bit project a few weeks ago. I had a few days where I was free from both schools, so I decided to purge my room. I made a lot of progress. I have 5000(slight exaggeration) empty hangers in my closet now. I also have four large piles in my bathroom containing clothes, shoes, purses and other such items. I ran out of steam. I always used to finish projects or come close to death trying. This time, I got to the, “time for a snack and netlix” point and just left it. It’s really annoying, but it’s going anywhere.

My daughter came over today. We had a ‘plan’. We were going to go and paint and clean her new house. Apparently, the mortgage company had a different plan in mind that included us waiting till tomorrow to do our plan. We used our time wisely by swimming, eating, watching cartoons, and napping. At one point, my daughter said the magical words, “can we just craft today.” Normally, this would have sent me singing and dancing up my stairs. Today, I took another nap.When I awoke, I told her she could help me finish cleaning my office. Another project I had pooped out on.

We spent the rest of the day moving virtual mountains in my office. It was like the old days. I realized what I had been missing on my other projects was a slave. Maybe not a ‘slave’, but a helper, coworker, errand runner. Someone to keep me motivated, talk to me, and run up and down the stairs for me. It was magical. I think she needs to move back home. Cause I said so.

Photo credit: http://www.avidtrader.com

Night crawlers



My son never remembers his dreams. He is convinced he doesn’t dream at all. That is sad to me. I love getting lost in a good dream and not wanting to wake up. Of course, I usually don’t want to wake up, but a good dream makes it even more appealing.

I can tell we are getting close to back to school time. My dreams have started to contain a similar theme. Any teacher will understand. The dreams focus on our hopes and expectations of the coming year, as well as our darkest fears.

A few nights ago, I dreamt that my teaching buddy who moved schools at the end of the year had returned. She burst onto campus in a flowing yellow dress and crocheted shawl that touched the floor. She was all business. She didn’t seem concerned that my expected 30 fifth graders had turned into 40 8th graders with attitude. I was a victim of moving desks and flying paper. It wasn’t pretty.

Last night was even better. I got to school on time, but there was quite a bit of a hustle going on. The place where my private office had been was not full of four desks, one of them filled with a teacher who went topless til class. I was informed that my class had been moved and I was in the broom closet for my office, along with three other teachers. My office was cramped, but had a full crib. Yay? My bedroom, yes….bedroom, was the biggest one on campus and everyone looked at me with envy and possibly hatred. When I finally made it to my classroom, it was completely surrounded with windows. My desks were small and there were about 80 of them. I scrambled to put them in order, with the students that had already arrived. The best part came when two people came in hunting something. Low and behold, a ‘land crab’ was hiding behind my curtains. Being the brave teacher person I was, I let it cling to my arm and kept on teaching.

I love sleep, and I love teaching, but sometimes….I’m not so crazy about my dreams. I hope my actual class is much better than this. Although, I did like the loose dress code…..cause I said so.

Photo credit: hoganc1.edu.glogster.com

Joy Fool


black and white flag

I took my boys to see a chick flick tonight. Okay, so it wasn’t billed as a ‘chick flick’, but it was chock full of emotions. In fact, the majority of the cast was comprised of Emotions. There was Joy, Sadness, Anger, Disgust, and Fear. It was a well-rounded cast. They did pretty well considering they were inside an 11  year old girl. yikes

My son said he wasn’t interested when he saw the previews the first 200 times. Nope, not into emotions and all that. He is 14 after all. It must have been complete boredom or lack of any other movies that drove him to ask to see it today. Whatever it was, it spurred a heated conversation about ‘human nature’ when we got home.

My son is very strong willed. He tends to get an idea in his head and stick to it, regardless of what anyone says or what science proves. He’s right, everyone else is wrong. That is, until he decides to change his mind. It can be frustrating to say the least.

For some reason, after the ’emotion movie’, I was feeling less than patient. The movie was a cartoon, not historical facts or a science lesson. It had the basic story elements of rising conflict and resolution, but I felt raw and exposed afterward. It might have nothing at all to do with the movie. It might have to do with my feelings in general about the state of the world, our country, my family, or myself. It might be my feelings of loneliness, overwhelmedness (yes, it’s a word), anxiety, or lack of……exercise. It could be that I didn’t want to see a rainbow at the top of my tool bar. It could be that I’d like someone to fix my bedroom door. It could be that I’d like to spend some time with a person that didn’t exhaust me.

Then again, it could be that my Joy just fell into a pit of discarded memories and she’s fighting to find her way back to headquarters. I’ll just wait……..cause I said so.